Ok, it's getting exciting. All those pokes and jabs are going to be worth it... yeah!!!!
Cd12 showed 1 on the left measuring 16 and 2 on the right measuring 15.There were 2 more on the right side but those 3 are the champs so far. We are doing 2 more nights of shots then in on Friday for follow up b/w and u/s and trigger time!!!!
I did also find out that once I get preggo I will be doing daily shots of Lovenox. Its a blood thinner that gets injected in the belly so I am not getting away from doing injections anytime soon. They gave me the med today, maybe it's a good sign :)
I will start on a low dose daily aspirin in the mean time to help with the blood in the uterus.
Will post more on Friday. Happy hump day!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
cd10 u/s and 2nd follie check
We had our second follie check and the good news is that we grew 2 more on the right side.
The not so good news is that none of them are ready yet for "trigger". So we are going to continue to do our shots til wednesday morning (2 more nights of "growing meds") and then have a repeat u/s with b/w done.
I am sooo bummed. I shouldn't count myself out yet but I just am so "overwhelmed" to say with everything we have had to go thru. Besides the fact that my darm hormones are all screwy with all these meds I am injecting everyday. I just can't imagine why God would make some one go through all this to bring a child into the world that can and will give them a life full of love and hope and dreams and stability and... the list can go on and on..... AND then you have the women that shouldn't be mothers (we have all seen them) or the babies (yes, young mothers) that are having babies when they haven't even experienced life yet... God and I are not seeing eye to eye right now. I haven't really "accepted" his role in our 2 miscarriages and this is not helping much.
I am dreading Wednesday.... one of two things will happen. The follies will grow alot over the next 2 days and we will give this cycle a shot with an iui OR they will cancel the cycle and I will be left devastated.
The not so good news is that none of them are ready yet for "trigger". So we are going to continue to do our shots til wednesday morning (2 more nights of "growing meds") and then have a repeat u/s with b/w done.
I am sooo bummed. I shouldn't count myself out yet but I just am so "overwhelmed" to say with everything we have had to go thru. Besides the fact that my darm hormones are all screwy with all these meds I am injecting everyday. I just can't imagine why God would make some one go through all this to bring a child into the world that can and will give them a life full of love and hope and dreams and stability and... the list can go on and on..... AND then you have the women that shouldn't be mothers (we have all seen them) or the babies (yes, young mothers) that are having babies when they haven't even experienced life yet... God and I are not seeing eye to eye right now. I haven't really "accepted" his role in our 2 miscarriages and this is not helping much.
I am dreading Wednesday.... one of two things will happen. The follies will grow alot over the next 2 days and we will give this cycle a shot with an iui OR they will cancel the cycle and I will be left devastated.
Friday, July 10, 2009
first follie check :)
Today was my first follie check ever and I had 3 follies, 2 on the right and 1 on the left.
The right had the biggest and smallest and the left had the mid size follie of the 3.
We are doing the same dose of menopur for the next 3 nights and I go back on Mondat at 7am for another follie check.....
Please follies grow big and strong!!!!! I am soo excited and on this wonderful roller coaster that I never want to get off!!!!
The right had the biggest and smallest and the left had the mid size follie of the 3.
We are doing the same dose of menopur for the next 3 nights and I go back on Mondat at 7am for another follie check.....
Please follies grow big and strong!!!!! I am soo excited and on this wonderful roller coaster that I never want to get off!!!!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Injectables this cycle
I will say the Lupron shots are not bad, the Menoupr on the other hand hurts like heck. I wonder if I keep it out of the fridge longer before I do the shot if it will lessen the discomfort.
I'm going to try that tomorrow night.
So far this is our plan:
CD 1 started on July 4th. We continued with the 2 shots of Lupron until....
CD 4 our b/w came back perfect (64 E, .5 P and FSH at 5.2) so we started our Menopur at night.
CD 5 will be 5 units of Lupron in the am and 150 iu of Menopur at night
CD 6 will be 5 units of Lupron in the am and 150 iu of Menopur at night.
CD 7 will be 5 units of Lupron in the am , blood and ultrasound at 7am and then the nurse will call with amount of Menopur to take at night and when I will come back for repeat b/w and u/s. I was told every 2-3 days so I am figuring that I will have to come back probably Tuesday of next week.
I think the remainder of our cycle will fall like this:
CD 8-13 (?- maybe 11 or 12) will continue with this routine until the "trigger" shot of Ovidrel.
Then we will decide to do the iui (better probability of conception) or do it the old fashion way and wait to see if it works.
Thats when the waiting game begins. If all goes well, the testing day will be August 2nd. We got pregnant the first time last July with an August + testing so maybe it's a good sign. I can only hope :)
I'm going to try that tomorrow night.
So far this is our plan:
CD 1 started on July 4th. We continued with the 2 shots of Lupron until....
CD 4 our b/w came back perfect (64 E, .5 P and FSH at 5.2) so we started our Menopur at night.
CD 5 will be 5 units of Lupron in the am and 150 iu of Menopur at night
CD 6 will be 5 units of Lupron in the am and 150 iu of Menopur at night.
CD 7 will be 5 units of Lupron in the am , blood and ultrasound at 7am and then the nurse will call with amount of Menopur to take at night and when I will come back for repeat b/w and u/s. I was told every 2-3 days so I am figuring that I will have to come back probably Tuesday of next week.
I think the remainder of our cycle will fall like this:
CD 8-13 (?- maybe 11 or 12) will continue with this routine until the "trigger" shot of Ovidrel.
Then we will decide to do the iui (better probability of conception) or do it the old fashion way and wait to see if it works.
Thats when the waiting game begins. If all goes well, the testing day will be August 2nd. We got pregnant the first time last July with an August + testing so maybe it's a good sign. I can only hope :)
Monday, June 29, 2009
First day of shots
So today was our first day of shots. I was really nervous and didn't sleep much last night due to overstressing. I had decided to wake at 4am before Michael left for work and try the shot. My fear was that I wouldn't be able to do it and he would be at work and then what would I do. I don't know anyone that could give it to me.
So I tried twice. I made 2 small holes but couldn't get myself to push the needle all the way in. I sat at the dining room table with needle in one hand and my belly skin pinched in the other and just stared, trying to do it. Michael came down and said "you ok? .... let me do it for you"
Michael ended up doing it for me and I hadn't even realized he had done it. I went back to bed for about and hour or so and then went to work.
Tonight I told him I wanted to try it again. So I filled the syringe with the med and Michael was sitting there saying you can do it. Instead of sitting like this morning I stood up and he said "look into my eyes, you can do this" and with that.... I pushed the needle right in and injected the med.
I was soo excited I was able to do it for myself. I know I have Michael here and he is such a great man that he will do anything for me but I wanted to be able to overcome this. I know I have the power to do whatever it takes to get that little one (or multiples with these meds...lol).
The strength is in my heart, I just had to pull it out :)
So I tried twice. I made 2 small holes but couldn't get myself to push the needle all the way in. I sat at the dining room table with needle in one hand and my belly skin pinched in the other and just stared, trying to do it. Michael came down and said "you ok? .... let me do it for you"
Michael ended up doing it for me and I hadn't even realized he had done it. I went back to bed for about and hour or so and then went to work.
Tonight I told him I wanted to try it again. So I filled the syringe with the med and Michael was sitting there saying you can do it. Instead of sitting like this morning I stood up and he said "look into my eyes, you can do this" and with that.... I pushed the needle right in and injected the med.
I was soo excited I was able to do it for myself. I know I have Michael here and he is such a great man that he will do anything for me but I wanted to be able to overcome this. I know I have the power to do whatever it takes to get that little one (or multiples with these meds...lol).
The strength is in my heart, I just had to pull it out :)
Friday, June 26, 2009
Our Plan this cycle
We had our appt on CD18. We went thru our nursing class and we learned how to mix the meds and use the needles and insert them. All the how's of self injection. I am nervous to self inject but I know this is what I want more than life so I am hoping I can do it come Monday. Mike has switched to first shift so the morning shots are mine to do. The night ones he can adminster unless I become a pro at it then I'll do it myself :)
We are doing a medicated cycle PLUS some of my test results came back and came back high at a 49 in the blood for one of the clotting tests. This means I have some blood clotting disorder which I have to see a hemotologist for. I made that appt today so I go for my appt on 7/15 at Holy Redeemer.I looked it up on the internet and it made my head spin once again so I am just waiting until I go in to see the specialist.
Our medicated cycle is:
Start Lupron on Monday. One injection in the morning and One injection at night.
Call the RE office when my cycle starts (7-10 days after the start of the Lupron med).
First day of cycle Lupron goes to one injection daily and Menopur injections start (2 vials of 75 iu).
This lasts until my trigger shot for ovualtion.
In the meantime I will go in for blood and ultrasounds every 2-3 days and have to decided wether we will try the old fashion way once the trigger for ovualtion is given or I will bring in a sample for wash and insemination. This gives us an additional 25% chance of fertilization. The sperm is placed right near the egg and no need for swimming and loss of sperm in the cervix.
Once the shot for trigger we get the sperm where it needs to be hopefully and we wait.
2 weeks to wait and then we test.
The menopur helps you make lots of eggs and gets them to be maturer for fertilization. It better make them really big and really mature and lots opf them at $1,305 a cycle. Yes, thats for 10 doses and only the one medication, all which is NOT covered under insurance. To me it will all be worth the price just to bring a little one home. I'm planning on doing whatever it takes to be a mommy. Maybe sell a kidney? Oh wait, mine aren't very good... I'm joking (about the selling of course).. I need to keeep laughing, it helps to reduce the stress :)
We are doing a medicated cycle PLUS some of my test results came back and came back high at a 49 in the blood for one of the clotting tests. This means I have some blood clotting disorder which I have to see a hemotologist for. I made that appt today so I go for my appt on 7/15 at Holy Redeemer.I looked it up on the internet and it made my head spin once again so I am just waiting until I go in to see the specialist.
Our medicated cycle is:
Start Lupron on Monday. One injection in the morning and One injection at night.
Call the RE office when my cycle starts (7-10 days after the start of the Lupron med).
First day of cycle Lupron goes to one injection daily and Menopur injections start (2 vials of 75 iu).
This lasts until my trigger shot for ovualtion.
In the meantime I will go in for blood and ultrasounds every 2-3 days and have to decided wether we will try the old fashion way once the trigger for ovualtion is given or I will bring in a sample for wash and insemination. This gives us an additional 25% chance of fertilization. The sperm is placed right near the egg and no need for swimming and loss of sperm in the cervix.
Once the shot for trigger we get the sperm where it needs to be hopefully and we wait.
2 weeks to wait and then we test.
The menopur helps you make lots of eggs and gets them to be maturer for fertilization. It better make them really big and really mature and lots opf them at $1,305 a cycle. Yes, thats for 10 doses and only the one medication, all which is NOT covered under insurance. To me it will all be worth the price just to bring a little one home. I'm planning on doing whatever it takes to be a mommy. Maybe sell a kidney? Oh wait, mine aren't very good... I'm joking (about the selling of course).. I need to keeep laughing, it helps to reduce the stress :)
Saturday, June 13, 2009
I'm worried...........................
It has taken me some days to write and I know I won't be able to really explain all that is or could be going on. Mainly b/c of the unknown right now and also because this really is such an emotional roller coaster to go through. I try to explain it like wanting something your whole life, a dream of yours, the most important thing you could do or want to do in life. I'm not talking about superficial stuff or materialistic stuff... reall stuff... real life. And then one day that dream becomes reality only to be taken away. You got a taste of it and then someone plays this cruel joke and takesit away. Then again it happens. So you get tired of not wanting to feel that sorrow and pain and you search for answers. What happens when you get answers that make you feel lost but even worse scared.
I went in for my cd3 appt on Wednesday. They did blood work, an ultrasound and gave me a script for a fertility drug called clomid. The doctor said he will see me next Wednesday unless the nurse called me this afternoon. Well, at 2pm, the phone call came. She said Not to take the clomid that he wanted to do a different drug and that I would come in on CD18 instead of CD10. At first I was okay with it until she said my estrogen level was 166 and that I would have to take Lupron then Menopur and that I needed to take a nursing class for these drugs. At that point my brain froze, I really didn't understand and I have this bubbly young girl on the other end giving me this information. She wanted to scehdule the class the same day I came in for my appt, whcih made sense and I said okay but my brain was still not understanding it all. I'm not a stupid person but I just think I froze. I said to her I just didn't understand why or how or what it all meant????? Then she hit me with the normal estrogen level is under 30. She said age or endo could be a factor but that the dr doesn't think it's endo in my case. Abnromally high estrogen can distort the real picture of a woman's ovarian reserve. ............
Diminished ovarian reserve leaves only 2 options.....
Where we are at now is that we are going forward with CD18 and the injectibles this cycle to see where that puts us at. Depending on the diagnosis (diminished ovarian reserve or hypopathalmic pitutary (sp??) something) is going to determine whether my insurance will help with the costs of the meds. These meds are quite costly ifthe insurance doesn't pay part of it. They are still costly with the help of insurance but not nearly as bad if they help. I'm not sure how I will be able to give myself these needles and I have read horror stories that these meds hurt when you give them but this is something I really want so I plan on getting through at least a cycle or two doing this unless of course it's determined that it's my eggs.
We have alot of decisions we will need to make in the upcoming months.
I do want to thank my family and friends that have been supportive during this time and these months coming. I don't know what I would do without you all :)
For those that have been on this journey of ttc and RPL I hope we all get that miracle we've been praying for each and every day.
I'll post again after my appt on CD 18( june 25th)...........
I went in for my cd3 appt on Wednesday. They did blood work, an ultrasound and gave me a script for a fertility drug called clomid. The doctor said he will see me next Wednesday unless the nurse called me this afternoon. Well, at 2pm, the phone call came. She said Not to take the clomid that he wanted to do a different drug and that I would come in on CD18 instead of CD10. At first I was okay with it until she said my estrogen level was 166 and that I would have to take Lupron then Menopur and that I needed to take a nursing class for these drugs. At that point my brain froze, I really didn't understand and I have this bubbly young girl on the other end giving me this information. She wanted to scehdule the class the same day I came in for my appt, whcih made sense and I said okay but my brain was still not understanding it all. I'm not a stupid person but I just think I froze. I said to her I just didn't understand why or how or what it all meant????? Then she hit me with the normal estrogen level is under 30. She said age or endo could be a factor but that the dr doesn't think it's endo in my case. Abnromally high estrogen can distort the real picture of a woman's ovarian reserve. ............
Diminished ovarian reserve leaves only 2 options.....
Where we are at now is that we are going forward with CD18 and the injectibles this cycle to see where that puts us at. Depending on the diagnosis (diminished ovarian reserve or hypopathalmic pitutary (sp??) something) is going to determine whether my insurance will help with the costs of the meds. These meds are quite costly ifthe insurance doesn't pay part of it. They are still costly with the help of insurance but not nearly as bad if they help. I'm not sure how I will be able to give myself these needles and I have read horror stories that these meds hurt when you give them but this is something I really want so I plan on getting through at least a cycle or two doing this unless of course it's determined that it's my eggs.
We have alot of decisions we will need to make in the upcoming months.
I do want to thank my family and friends that have been supportive during this time and these months coming. I don't know what I would do without you all :)
For those that have been on this journey of ttc and RPL I hope we all get that miracle we've been praying for each and every day.
I'll post again after my appt on CD 18( june 25th)...........
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Our first cycle with an RE
We had our first consultation on June 1st with the RE. He explained lots of things and took lots of blood and ran an u/s. The u/s looked good so he gave us a game plan for our first cycle. I knew I was only about 7 days away from my new cycle so I was excited. I was just praying that this second cycle was normal after the m/c at 26 days and that I wouldn't have to wait longer.
On monday AF showed her miserable head and I was so excited to see her :) So Wednesday , yes, tommorrow is CD3.... yeah!!!! I go in for bloodwork and an ultrasound and then back again on CD 10 for more blood work, an ultrasound and a hysteroscopy. I hope to get some answers tommorrow if some of our tests came back from our first visit. Still staying hopeful :)
I also called my insurance. They have an infertility program and I qualify!!!!! woo hoo!!!! So some of my testing and procedures (including IUI) will be covered fully. It is looking up. They covered me until 09.01.09, 3 months so we have lots of baby making to do in the near future.....
I'll keep everyone posted on our journey but wish us luck and keep praying. I think it's finally working :)
On monday AF showed her miserable head and I was so excited to see her :) So Wednesday , yes, tommorrow is CD3.... yeah!!!! I go in for bloodwork and an ultrasound and then back again on CD 10 for more blood work, an ultrasound and a hysteroscopy. I hope to get some answers tommorrow if some of our tests came back from our first visit. Still staying hopeful :)
I also called my insurance. They have an infertility program and I qualify!!!!! woo hoo!!!! So some of my testing and procedures (including IUI) will be covered fully. It is looking up. They covered me until 09.01.09, 3 months so we have lots of baby making to do in the near future.....
I'll keep everyone posted on our journey but wish us luck and keep praying. I think it's finally working :)
Monday, May 18, 2009
a poem that hits home
I read this poem on the ttc boards I frequent and just recently found it again online while searching for information.
"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown
"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
follow up appt
So I had my follow up today. I waited so long in the waiting room that had 2 pregnant woman in it but felt like a room full of mommies to be. Just how I was feeling today. When I finally got in to see the doctor he did an exam and said everything healed nicely and to wait 2 months before actively trying to concieve (ttc for us webmd ladies) :)
He also wants me to see an RE. He said usually 3+miscarriages are labeled as recurrent but doctors usually don't wait until the 3rd so I got my label today as a recurrent aborter or a habitual aborter. It sounds so cold :( I hate how the medical world uses such insensitive words to describe such a tragedic event. Maybe I should try and get a petiton started and take it to the first lady. Why not change it to spontaneous loss instead of spontaneous abortion? Anyway....
He has me going to an RE (Reproductive Endocronologist) to hopefully get some answers. He does think my autoimmune disease has something to do with it but doesn't know for sure. I am staying hopeful but very scared that it is my IGA Nephropathy and will have to follow another path to achieve my dream of having a LO either by a surrogate or adoption. I guess time will tell.
June 1st can't get here fast enough :)
He also wants me to see an RE. He said usually 3+miscarriages are labeled as recurrent but doctors usually don't wait until the 3rd so I got my label today as a recurrent aborter or a habitual aborter. It sounds so cold :( I hate how the medical world uses such insensitive words to describe such a tragedic event. Maybe I should try and get a petiton started and take it to the first lady. Why not change it to spontaneous loss instead of spontaneous abortion? Anyway....
He has me going to an RE (Reproductive Endocronologist) to hopefully get some answers. He does think my autoimmune disease has something to do with it but doesn't know for sure. I am staying hopeful but very scared that it is my IGA Nephropathy and will have to follow another path to achieve my dream of having a LO either by a surrogate or adoption. I guess time will tell.
June 1st can't get here fast enough :)
Monday, April 27, 2009
We decided............
After a long conversation that we are going to try again :) I know it's going to be a tough long road but hopefully as Michael says "third times a charm". Only time will tell and it will definately be a roller coaster of emotions.
Doctor appt next tuesday and hoping for some real answers. If not, I am changing doctors. If the next time fails our next possible route will be a surrogate. I just may not be able to carry. It will be devasting but creating life just to lose it kills me.
Doctor appt next tuesday and hoping for some real answers. If not, I am changing doctors. If the next time fails our next possible route will be a surrogate. I just may not be able to carry. It will be devasting but creating life just to lose it kills me.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Today......
I have had good days, bad days and unbearable days. Today started off as a good day and turned into one of those unbearable days. I got in such a rut this afternoon and could not get out of it. I have tried to keep myself busy since the loss and this afternoon I had some down time and it was all over.
I pulled out one of my miscarriage books that I had bought after the first one. It was a simple hardback book called "Mommy, please don't cry there are no tears in heaven". In the back of the book there is a place to write your feelings, messages to your little one, hopes, dreams, etc...
I had written lots of messages to my first one and so I wanted to do the same for this one. While I am still grieving it gives me some comfort that I can express my feelings. It helped me last time so I am hoping it will help this time. That is one of the reasons I had decided to start this blog.
It is such an emotional thing to go through. This past week I have just wanted to be close to my husband and while friends/family have all offered their kind words and support I can't bear to talk about it with them right now. I just needed to be alone. Soon I will but right now I just need my husband.
I keep thinking what road I will take if it happens to be I can't carry full term or if my body isn't accepting the fetus due to my immune disorder. I don't want to try again if the outcome will be a loss. Not because of having to go through another loss but because how could I create a child knowing I will cause it to lose it's battle for life. I am dreading my follow up appointment on the 5th of May just because of the unknown.
That day just like every day I will be that strong person and accept what life deals to me. My only hope is that God decides to give me a break.
I pulled out one of my miscarriage books that I had bought after the first one. It was a simple hardback book called "Mommy, please don't cry there are no tears in heaven". In the back of the book there is a place to write your feelings, messages to your little one, hopes, dreams, etc...
I had written lots of messages to my first one and so I wanted to do the same for this one. While I am still grieving it gives me some comfort that I can express my feelings. It helped me last time so I am hoping it will help this time. That is one of the reasons I had decided to start this blog.
It is such an emotional thing to go through. This past week I have just wanted to be close to my husband and while friends/family have all offered their kind words and support I can't bear to talk about it with them right now. I just needed to be alone. Soon I will but right now I just need my husband.
I keep thinking what road I will take if it happens to be I can't carry full term or if my body isn't accepting the fetus due to my immune disorder. I don't want to try again if the outcome will be a loss. Not because of having to go through another loss but because how could I create a child knowing I will cause it to lose it's battle for life. I am dreading my follow up appointment on the 5th of May just because of the unknown.
That day just like every day I will be that strong person and accept what life deals to me. My only hope is that God decides to give me a break.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
From the beginning............................
This is how and why I am where I am in my life today. I hope my journey gives hope to those that need it, empowers women to be strong through struggles, and never lose faith. You have to keep on believing in your dreams and never give up or lose hope.
Remember having dreams marrying your high school sweetheart and having lots of babies in your early twenties? Well that was me. Unfortunately my high school sweetheart turned into my college sweetheart which turned into my fiance' then my ex-finace' and left me heartbroken at 27. I thought that was heartbreaking but what I have encountered recently is true heartbreak.
At that point in my life I had been very career driven so I encompassed myself in my work and exceled over the years. During that time I dated (alot) but would never settle. I had set my expectations so high that I knew I wouldn't find someone that could fill them and I was okay with that. I was okay being alone and I was enjoying life.
In 2002 I bought my first home, by myself. A single 30yr old woman with a new home empowered me even more. I did alot to the house cosmetically, learned alot of home improvements through classes and made my house a "home". I was in a new neighborhood and was meeting new people. I was very busy with my career and time seemed to be passing me by and I didn't even realize it.
At this point, I met my husband. He was a charming man, a funny man whose initial intentions I was uncertain of. We have all met those kind of men at some point...lol Anyway, since I was so uncertain I had kept him at such a distance but he persued me constantly. We remained in contact throughout a years time.
In 2004 I had felt different. I became very tired frequently and had no energy all of which were total opposite of me. I was diagnosed with CKD, IGA Nephropathy. I felt like my world was caving in. Over time and with better understanding I accepted it but realized I need to decide how I was going to achieve all I had planned to. That is where my husband comes in.
I remember he called me in 2004 on his 43rd birthday and I was in disney world for the weekend. It was at that time I realized this is a guy whose has never given up trying to date me, maybe I needed to give him a real chance. So I did. We dated, fell in love, married and our story continues........................
One of my biggest dreams is becoming a mommy. I adore children and love taking my nephews for overnights or weekends. It is something I did for years and continue to do because of the simple fact I love children (I love them too of course). I love having my home filled with children even if it's just for a day or two.
Michael (my husband) and I had been trying to get pregnant since mid 2006. We had no success at first and just when my career may have had a chance for advancement, I became pregnant. Of course I had to choose and it was easy. I wanted to be a mommy so much that it was more important than a possible promotion. I was estatic even though the timing wasn't the best. I had booked a Disney trip (his first) for my husbands 47th birthday and knew now I wouldn't be able to share in the experience as much as I had wanted to, no rides, no overdoing it, etc.
I was so joyous, everyone was so happy that I was expecting. My due date was 3 days prior to Mothe's day. What a great significance to me. I was finally achieving what I wanted most from life being a mommy. One day at work I fell an overwhelming sense of something's wrong with the pregnancy. I was starting vacation in a week though and figured I just needed a rest. We went on our trip but on our plane ride home I felt it again. I told my husband somethings not right. He said don't worry we will be home soon. Within an hour of being home I started to spot and we headed to the hospital. They couldn't find a heartbeat on our baby at 9 weeks and the baby only measured at 6 weeks 3 days. I was in the process of naturally miscarrying. This is what I now know as real heartbbreak.
I had doubted some of the decisions I had made thinking that would have given me a different outcome. I drove myself crazy looking for answers. How could this happen? How could God let this happen to me? I had been a good person and could provide for a little one. There are so many children out there in need but are still being born. Why me?
I went through many stages from anger/disbelief/hurt to acceptance. I accepted the loss and my husband and I started trying again. Trying to concieve is very stressful and disappointing. It took us 6 months to get pregnant again. While this doesn't seem like a long time, it felt like an eternity.
I remember taking 3 tests in one night just to make sure. All positive. We were so excited and hopeful that we would get our little one. It was determined my due date fell on my birthday. What a wonderful present to get especially after our loss. I had strong symptoms from the start and my levels were all so good. I had been cautious at first but after 3 weeks of weekly appts I started to get excited that this was going to be it. I had no reason not to, everything looked good.
We went in for an ultrasound just to make sure all was progressing nicely. We saw our baby I could see everything formed from his head to his toes (looked like paddles sort of) . The tech was quiet which I sensed was alarming. She needed to do an additional scan so she left the room for a minute. I told my husband to look at the screen as I knew she would move it from my view when she returned. As soon as she returned, she moved the screen. I felt numb. My husband tried to comsole me when she left the room and said she would be right back but I knew something was wrong. He left to see what he could find out and he came back in and just hugged me. I cried and cried until she came back in and said my doctor was on the phone to talk to me.
It was fetal demise. The baby was correct size but wasn't showing any signs of life. I had a choice to make.
I couldn't bear to wait to lose my baby as I had already knew I had. Emotionally I was drained and couldn't bear another natural miscarriage so I opted to have an immediate procedure. This is where my healing starts and where answers I search for again. Why? Why did this happen again?
Yesterday I lost my baby and lost myself. I had become a mommy to 2 angels in heaven that day. Today I am hopeful that one day I will be able to hear that one word aloud that I had hoped for for years.
Remember having dreams marrying your high school sweetheart and having lots of babies in your early twenties? Well that was me. Unfortunately my high school sweetheart turned into my college sweetheart which turned into my fiance' then my ex-finace' and left me heartbroken at 27. I thought that was heartbreaking but what I have encountered recently is true heartbreak.
At that point in my life I had been very career driven so I encompassed myself in my work and exceled over the years. During that time I dated (alot) but would never settle. I had set my expectations so high that I knew I wouldn't find someone that could fill them and I was okay with that. I was okay being alone and I was enjoying life.
In 2002 I bought my first home, by myself. A single 30yr old woman with a new home empowered me even more. I did alot to the house cosmetically, learned alot of home improvements through classes and made my house a "home". I was in a new neighborhood and was meeting new people. I was very busy with my career and time seemed to be passing me by and I didn't even realize it.
At this point, I met my husband. He was a charming man, a funny man whose initial intentions I was uncertain of. We have all met those kind of men at some point...lol Anyway, since I was so uncertain I had kept him at such a distance but he persued me constantly. We remained in contact throughout a years time.
In 2004 I had felt different. I became very tired frequently and had no energy all of which were total opposite of me. I was diagnosed with CKD, IGA Nephropathy. I felt like my world was caving in. Over time and with better understanding I accepted it but realized I need to decide how I was going to achieve all I had planned to. That is where my husband comes in.
I remember he called me in 2004 on his 43rd birthday and I was in disney world for the weekend. It was at that time I realized this is a guy whose has never given up trying to date me, maybe I needed to give him a real chance. So I did. We dated, fell in love, married and our story continues........................
One of my biggest dreams is becoming a mommy. I adore children and love taking my nephews for overnights or weekends. It is something I did for years and continue to do because of the simple fact I love children (I love them too of course). I love having my home filled with children even if it's just for a day or two.
Michael (my husband) and I had been trying to get pregnant since mid 2006. We had no success at first and just when my career may have had a chance for advancement, I became pregnant. Of course I had to choose and it was easy. I wanted to be a mommy so much that it was more important than a possible promotion. I was estatic even though the timing wasn't the best. I had booked a Disney trip (his first) for my husbands 47th birthday and knew now I wouldn't be able to share in the experience as much as I had wanted to, no rides, no overdoing it, etc.
I was so joyous, everyone was so happy that I was expecting. My due date was 3 days prior to Mothe's day. What a great significance to me. I was finally achieving what I wanted most from life being a mommy. One day at work I fell an overwhelming sense of something's wrong with the pregnancy. I was starting vacation in a week though and figured I just needed a rest. We went on our trip but on our plane ride home I felt it again. I told my husband somethings not right. He said don't worry we will be home soon. Within an hour of being home I started to spot and we headed to the hospital. They couldn't find a heartbeat on our baby at 9 weeks and the baby only measured at 6 weeks 3 days. I was in the process of naturally miscarrying. This is what I now know as real heartbbreak.
I had doubted some of the decisions I had made thinking that would have given me a different outcome. I drove myself crazy looking for answers. How could this happen? How could God let this happen to me? I had been a good person and could provide for a little one. There are so many children out there in need but are still being born. Why me?
I went through many stages from anger/disbelief/hurt to acceptance. I accepted the loss and my husband and I started trying again. Trying to concieve is very stressful and disappointing. It took us 6 months to get pregnant again. While this doesn't seem like a long time, it felt like an eternity.
I remember taking 3 tests in one night just to make sure. All positive. We were so excited and hopeful that we would get our little one. It was determined my due date fell on my birthday. What a wonderful present to get especially after our loss. I had strong symptoms from the start and my levels were all so good. I had been cautious at first but after 3 weeks of weekly appts I started to get excited that this was going to be it. I had no reason not to, everything looked good.
We went in for an ultrasound just to make sure all was progressing nicely. We saw our baby I could see everything formed from his head to his toes (looked like paddles sort of) . The tech was quiet which I sensed was alarming. She needed to do an additional scan so she left the room for a minute. I told my husband to look at the screen as I knew she would move it from my view when she returned. As soon as she returned, she moved the screen. I felt numb. My husband tried to comsole me when she left the room and said she would be right back but I knew something was wrong. He left to see what he could find out and he came back in and just hugged me. I cried and cried until she came back in and said my doctor was on the phone to talk to me.
It was fetal demise. The baby was correct size but wasn't showing any signs of life. I had a choice to make.
I couldn't bear to wait to lose my baby as I had already knew I had. Emotionally I was drained and couldn't bear another natural miscarriage so I opted to have an immediate procedure. This is where my healing starts and where answers I search for again. Why? Why did this happen again?
Yesterday I lost my baby and lost myself. I had become a mommy to 2 angels in heaven that day. Today I am hopeful that one day I will be able to hear that one word aloud that I had hoped for for years.
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