Today......

I have had good days, bad days and unbearable days. Today started off as a good day and turned into one of those unbearable days. I got in such a rut this afternoon and could not get out of it. I have tried to keep myself busy since the loss and this afternoon I had some down time and it was all over.

I pulled out one of my miscarriage books that I had bought after the first one. It was a simple hardback book called "Mommy, please don't cry there are no tears in heaven". In the back of the book there is a place to write your feelings, messages to your little one, hopes, dreams, etc...
I had written lots of messages to my first one and so I wanted to do the same for this one. While I am still grieving it gives me some comfort that I can express my feelings. It helped me last time so I am hoping it will help this time. That is one of the reasons I had decided to start this blog.

It is such an emotional thing to go through. This past week I have just wanted to be close to my husband and while friends/family have all offered their kind words and support I can't bear to talk about it with them right now. I just needed to be alone. Soon I will but right now I just need my husband.

I keep thinking what road I will take if it happens to be I can't carry full term or if my body isn't accepting the fetus due to my immune disorder. I don't want to try again if the outcome will be a loss. Not because of having to go through another loss but because how could I create a child knowing I will cause it to lose it's battle for life. I am dreading my follow up appointment on the 5th of May just because of the unknown.

That day just like every day I will be that strong person and accept what life deals to me. My only hope is that God decides to give me a break.