I'm worried...........................

It has taken me some days to write and I know I won't be able to really explain all that is or could be going on. Mainly b/c of the unknown right now and also because this really is such an emotional roller coaster to go through. I try to explain it like wanting something your whole life, a dream of yours, the most important thing you could do or want to do in life. I'm not talking about superficial stuff or materialistic stuff... reall stuff... real life. And then one day that dream becomes reality only to be taken away. You got a taste of it and then someone plays this cruel joke and takesit away. Then again it happens. So you get tired of not wanting to feel that sorrow and pain and you search for answers. What happens when you get answers that make you feel lost but even worse scared.

I went in for my cd3 appt on Wednesday. They did blood work, an ultrasound and gave me a script for a fertility drug called clomid. The doctor said he will see me next Wednesday unless the nurse called me this afternoon. Well, at 2pm, the phone call came. She said Not to take the clomid that he wanted to do a different drug and that I would come in on CD18 instead of CD10. At first I was okay with it until she said my estrogen level was 166 and that I would have to take Lupron then Menopur and that I needed to take a nursing class for these drugs. At that point my brain froze, I really didn't understand and I have this bubbly young girl on the other end giving me this information. She wanted to scehdule the class the same day I came in for my appt, whcih made sense and I said okay but my brain was still not understanding it all. I'm not a stupid person but I just think I froze. I said to her I just didn't understand why or how or what it all meant????? Then she hit me with the normal estrogen level is under 30. She said age or endo could be a factor but that the dr doesn't think it's endo in my case. Abnromally high estrogen can distort the real picture of a woman's ovarian reserve. ............

Diminished ovarian reserve leaves only 2 options.....

Where we are at now is that we are going forward with CD18 and the injectibles this cycle to see where that puts us at. Depending on the diagnosis (diminished ovarian reserve or hypopathalmic pitutary (sp??) something) is going to determine whether my insurance will help with the costs of the meds. These meds are quite costly ifthe insurance doesn't pay part of it. They are still costly with the help of insurance but not nearly as bad if they help. I'm not sure how I will be able to give myself these needles and I have read horror stories that these meds hurt when you give them but this is something I really want so I plan on getting through at least a cycle or two doing this unless of course it's determined that it's my eggs.

We have alot of decisions we will need to make in the upcoming months.

I do want to thank my family and friends that have been supportive during this time and these months coming. I don't know what I would do without you all :)

For those that have been on this journey of ttc and RPL I hope we all get that miracle we've been praying for each and every day.

I'll post again after my appt on CD 18( june 25th)...........