So today was our first day of shots. I was really nervous and didn't sleep much last night due to overstressing. I had decided to wake at 4am before Michael left for work and try the shot. My fear was that I wouldn't be able to do it and he would be at work and then what would I do. I don't know anyone that could give it to me.
So I tried twice. I made 2 small holes but couldn't get myself to push the needle all the way in. I sat at the dining room table with needle in one hand and my belly skin pinched in the other and just stared, trying to do it. Michael came down and said "you ok? .... let me do it for you"
Michael ended up doing it for me and I hadn't even realized he had done it. I went back to bed for about and hour or so and then went to work.
Tonight I told him I wanted to try it again. So I filled the syringe with the med and Michael was sitting there saying you can do it. Instead of sitting like this morning I stood up and he said "look into my eyes, you can do this" and with that.... I pushed the needle right in and injected the med.
I was soo excited I was able to do it for myself. I know I have Michael here and he is such a great man that he will do anything for me but I wanted to be able to overcome this. I know I have the power to do whatever it takes to get that little one (or multiples with these meds...lol).
The strength is in my heart, I just had to pull it out :)
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Our Plan this cycle
We had our appt on CD18. We went thru our nursing class and we learned how to mix the meds and use the needles and insert them. All the how's of self injection. I am nervous to self inject but I know this is what I want more than life so I am hoping I can do it come Monday. Mike has switched to first shift so the morning shots are mine to do. The night ones he can adminster unless I become a pro at it then I'll do it myself :)
We are doing a medicated cycle PLUS some of my test results came back and came back high at a 49 in the blood for one of the clotting tests. This means I have some blood clotting disorder which I have to see a hemotologist for. I made that appt today so I go for my appt on 7/15 at Holy Redeemer.I looked it up on the internet and it made my head spin once again so I am just waiting until I go in to see the specialist.
Our medicated cycle is:
Start Lupron on Monday. One injection in the morning and One injection at night.
Call the RE office when my cycle starts (7-10 days after the start of the Lupron med).
First day of cycle Lupron goes to one injection daily and Menopur injections start (2 vials of 75 iu).
This lasts until my trigger shot for ovualtion.
In the meantime I will go in for blood and ultrasounds every 2-3 days and have to decided wether we will try the old fashion way once the trigger for ovualtion is given or I will bring in a sample for wash and insemination. This gives us an additional 25% chance of fertilization. The sperm is placed right near the egg and no need for swimming and loss of sperm in the cervix.
Once the shot for trigger we get the sperm where it needs to be hopefully and we wait.
2 weeks to wait and then we test.
The menopur helps you make lots of eggs and gets them to be maturer for fertilization. It better make them really big and really mature and lots opf them at $1,305 a cycle. Yes, thats for 10 doses and only the one medication, all which is NOT covered under insurance. To me it will all be worth the price just to bring a little one home. I'm planning on doing whatever it takes to be a mommy. Maybe sell a kidney? Oh wait, mine aren't very good... I'm joking (about the selling of course).. I need to keeep laughing, it helps to reduce the stress :)
We are doing a medicated cycle PLUS some of my test results came back and came back high at a 49 in the blood for one of the clotting tests. This means I have some blood clotting disorder which I have to see a hemotologist for. I made that appt today so I go for my appt on 7/15 at Holy Redeemer.I looked it up on the internet and it made my head spin once again so I am just waiting until I go in to see the specialist.
Our medicated cycle is:
Start Lupron on Monday. One injection in the morning and One injection at night.
Call the RE office when my cycle starts (7-10 days after the start of the Lupron med).
First day of cycle Lupron goes to one injection daily and Menopur injections start (2 vials of 75 iu).
This lasts until my trigger shot for ovualtion.
In the meantime I will go in for blood and ultrasounds every 2-3 days and have to decided wether we will try the old fashion way once the trigger for ovualtion is given or I will bring in a sample for wash and insemination. This gives us an additional 25% chance of fertilization. The sperm is placed right near the egg and no need for swimming and loss of sperm in the cervix.
Once the shot for trigger we get the sperm where it needs to be hopefully and we wait.
2 weeks to wait and then we test.
The menopur helps you make lots of eggs and gets them to be maturer for fertilization. It better make them really big and really mature and lots opf them at $1,305 a cycle. Yes, thats for 10 doses and only the one medication, all which is NOT covered under insurance. To me it will all be worth the price just to bring a little one home. I'm planning on doing whatever it takes to be a mommy. Maybe sell a kidney? Oh wait, mine aren't very good... I'm joking (about the selling of course).. I need to keeep laughing, it helps to reduce the stress :)
Saturday, June 13, 2009
I'm worried...........................
It has taken me some days to write and I know I won't be able to really explain all that is or could be going on. Mainly b/c of the unknown right now and also because this really is such an emotional roller coaster to go through. I try to explain it like wanting something your whole life, a dream of yours, the most important thing you could do or want to do in life. I'm not talking about superficial stuff or materialistic stuff... reall stuff... real life. And then one day that dream becomes reality only to be taken away. You got a taste of it and then someone plays this cruel joke and takesit away. Then again it happens. So you get tired of not wanting to feel that sorrow and pain and you search for answers. What happens when you get answers that make you feel lost but even worse scared.
I went in for my cd3 appt on Wednesday. They did blood work, an ultrasound and gave me a script for a fertility drug called clomid. The doctor said he will see me next Wednesday unless the nurse called me this afternoon. Well, at 2pm, the phone call came. She said Not to take the clomid that he wanted to do a different drug and that I would come in on CD18 instead of CD10. At first I was okay with it until she said my estrogen level was 166 and that I would have to take Lupron then Menopur and that I needed to take a nursing class for these drugs. At that point my brain froze, I really didn't understand and I have this bubbly young girl on the other end giving me this information. She wanted to scehdule the class the same day I came in for my appt, whcih made sense and I said okay but my brain was still not understanding it all. I'm not a stupid person but I just think I froze. I said to her I just didn't understand why or how or what it all meant????? Then she hit me with the normal estrogen level is under 30. She said age or endo could be a factor but that the dr doesn't think it's endo in my case. Abnromally high estrogen can distort the real picture of a woman's ovarian reserve. ............
Diminished ovarian reserve leaves only 2 options.....
Where we are at now is that we are going forward with CD18 and the injectibles this cycle to see where that puts us at. Depending on the diagnosis (diminished ovarian reserve or hypopathalmic pitutary (sp??) something) is going to determine whether my insurance will help with the costs of the meds. These meds are quite costly ifthe insurance doesn't pay part of it. They are still costly with the help of insurance but not nearly as bad if they help. I'm not sure how I will be able to give myself these needles and I have read horror stories that these meds hurt when you give them but this is something I really want so I plan on getting through at least a cycle or two doing this unless of course it's determined that it's my eggs.
We have alot of decisions we will need to make in the upcoming months.
I do want to thank my family and friends that have been supportive during this time and these months coming. I don't know what I would do without you all :)
For those that have been on this journey of ttc and RPL I hope we all get that miracle we've been praying for each and every day.
I'll post again after my appt on CD 18( june 25th)...........
I went in for my cd3 appt on Wednesday. They did blood work, an ultrasound and gave me a script for a fertility drug called clomid. The doctor said he will see me next Wednesday unless the nurse called me this afternoon. Well, at 2pm, the phone call came. She said Not to take the clomid that he wanted to do a different drug and that I would come in on CD18 instead of CD10. At first I was okay with it until she said my estrogen level was 166 and that I would have to take Lupron then Menopur and that I needed to take a nursing class for these drugs. At that point my brain froze, I really didn't understand and I have this bubbly young girl on the other end giving me this information. She wanted to scehdule the class the same day I came in for my appt, whcih made sense and I said okay but my brain was still not understanding it all. I'm not a stupid person but I just think I froze. I said to her I just didn't understand why or how or what it all meant????? Then she hit me with the normal estrogen level is under 30. She said age or endo could be a factor but that the dr doesn't think it's endo in my case. Abnromally high estrogen can distort the real picture of a woman's ovarian reserve. ............
Diminished ovarian reserve leaves only 2 options.....
Where we are at now is that we are going forward with CD18 and the injectibles this cycle to see where that puts us at. Depending on the diagnosis (diminished ovarian reserve or hypopathalmic pitutary (sp??) something) is going to determine whether my insurance will help with the costs of the meds. These meds are quite costly ifthe insurance doesn't pay part of it. They are still costly with the help of insurance but not nearly as bad if they help. I'm not sure how I will be able to give myself these needles and I have read horror stories that these meds hurt when you give them but this is something I really want so I plan on getting through at least a cycle or two doing this unless of course it's determined that it's my eggs.
We have alot of decisions we will need to make in the upcoming months.
I do want to thank my family and friends that have been supportive during this time and these months coming. I don't know what I would do without you all :)
For those that have been on this journey of ttc and RPL I hope we all get that miracle we've been praying for each and every day.
I'll post again after my appt on CD 18( june 25th)...........
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Our first cycle with an RE
We had our first consultation on June 1st with the RE. He explained lots of things and took lots of blood and ran an u/s. The u/s looked good so he gave us a game plan for our first cycle. I knew I was only about 7 days away from my new cycle so I was excited. I was just praying that this second cycle was normal after the m/c at 26 days and that I wouldn't have to wait longer.
On monday AF showed her miserable head and I was so excited to see her :) So Wednesday , yes, tommorrow is CD3.... yeah!!!! I go in for bloodwork and an ultrasound and then back again on CD 10 for more blood work, an ultrasound and a hysteroscopy. I hope to get some answers tommorrow if some of our tests came back from our first visit. Still staying hopeful :)
I also called my insurance. They have an infertility program and I qualify!!!!! woo hoo!!!! So some of my testing and procedures (including IUI) will be covered fully. It is looking up. They covered me until 09.01.09, 3 months so we have lots of baby making to do in the near future.....
I'll keep everyone posted on our journey but wish us luck and keep praying. I think it's finally working :)
On monday AF showed her miserable head and I was so excited to see her :) So Wednesday , yes, tommorrow is CD3.... yeah!!!! I go in for bloodwork and an ultrasound and then back again on CD 10 for more blood work, an ultrasound and a hysteroscopy. I hope to get some answers tommorrow if some of our tests came back from our first visit. Still staying hopeful :)
I also called my insurance. They have an infertility program and I qualify!!!!! woo hoo!!!! So some of my testing and procedures (including IUI) will be covered fully. It is looking up. They covered me until 09.01.09, 3 months so we have lots of baby making to do in the near future.....
I'll keep everyone posted on our journey but wish us luck and keep praying. I think it's finally working :)
Monday, May 18, 2009
a poem that hits home
I read this poem on the ttc boards I frequent and just recently found it again online while searching for information.
"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown
"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
follow up appt
So I had my follow up today. I waited so long in the waiting room that had 2 pregnant woman in it but felt like a room full of mommies to be. Just how I was feeling today. When I finally got in to see the doctor he did an exam and said everything healed nicely and to wait 2 months before actively trying to concieve (ttc for us webmd ladies) :)
He also wants me to see an RE. He said usually 3+miscarriages are labeled as recurrent but doctors usually don't wait until the 3rd so I got my label today as a recurrent aborter or a habitual aborter. It sounds so cold :( I hate how the medical world uses such insensitive words to describe such a tragedic event. Maybe I should try and get a petiton started and take it to the first lady. Why not change it to spontaneous loss instead of spontaneous abortion? Anyway....
He has me going to an RE (Reproductive Endocronologist) to hopefully get some answers. He does think my autoimmune disease has something to do with it but doesn't know for sure. I am staying hopeful but very scared that it is my IGA Nephropathy and will have to follow another path to achieve my dream of having a LO either by a surrogate or adoption. I guess time will tell.
June 1st can't get here fast enough :)
He also wants me to see an RE. He said usually 3+miscarriages are labeled as recurrent but doctors usually don't wait until the 3rd so I got my label today as a recurrent aborter or a habitual aborter. It sounds so cold :( I hate how the medical world uses such insensitive words to describe such a tragedic event. Maybe I should try and get a petiton started and take it to the first lady. Why not change it to spontaneous loss instead of spontaneous abortion? Anyway....
He has me going to an RE (Reproductive Endocronologist) to hopefully get some answers. He does think my autoimmune disease has something to do with it but doesn't know for sure. I am staying hopeful but very scared that it is my IGA Nephropathy and will have to follow another path to achieve my dream of having a LO either by a surrogate or adoption. I guess time will tell.
June 1st can't get here fast enough :)
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