From the beginning............................

This is how and why I am where I am in my life today. I hope my journey gives hope to those that need it, empowers women to be strong through struggles, and never lose faith. You have to keep on believing in your dreams and never give up or lose hope.

Remember having dreams marrying your high school sweetheart and having lots of babies in your early twenties? Well that was me. Unfortunately my high school sweetheart turned into my college sweetheart which turned into my fiance' then my ex-finace' and left me heartbroken at 27. I thought that was heartbreaking but what I have encountered recently is true heartbreak.

At that point in my life I had been very career driven so I encompassed myself in my work and exceled over the years. During that time I dated (alot) but would never settle. I had set my expectations so high that I knew I wouldn't find someone that could fill them and I was okay with that. I was okay being alone and I was enjoying life.

In 2002 I bought my first home, by myself. A single 30yr old woman with a new home empowered me even more. I did alot to the house cosmetically, learned alot of home improvements through classes and made my house a "home". I was in a new neighborhood and was meeting new people. I was very busy with my career and time seemed to be passing me by and I didn't even realize it.

At this point, I met my husband. He was a charming man, a funny man whose initial intentions I was uncertain of. We have all met those kind of men at some point...lol Anyway, since I was so uncertain I had kept him at such a distance but he persued me constantly. We remained in contact throughout a years time.

In 2004 I had felt different. I became very tired frequently and had no energy all of which were total opposite of me. I was diagnosed with CKD, IGA Nephropathy. I felt like my world was caving in. Over time and with better understanding I accepted it but realized I need to decide how I was going to achieve all I had planned to. That is where my husband comes in.

I remember he called me in 2004 on his 43rd birthday and I was in disney world for the weekend. It was at that time I realized this is a guy whose has never given up trying to date me, maybe I needed to give him a real chance. So I did. We dated, fell in love, married and our story continues........................

One of my biggest dreams is becoming a mommy. I adore children and love taking my nephews for overnights or weekends. It is something I did for years and continue to do because of the simple fact I love children (I love them too of course). I love having my home filled with children even if it's just for a day or two.

Michael (my husband) and I had been trying to get pregnant since mid 2006. We had no success at first and just when my career may have had a chance for advancement, I became pregnant. Of course I had to choose and it was easy. I wanted to be a mommy so much that it was more important than a possible promotion. I was estatic even though the timing wasn't the best. I had booked a Disney trip (his first) for my husbands 47th birthday and knew now I wouldn't be able to share in the experience as much as I had wanted to, no rides, no overdoing it, etc.

I was so joyous, everyone was so happy that I was expecting. My due date was 3 days prior to Mothe's day. What a great significance to me. I was finally achieving what I wanted most from life being a mommy. One day at work I fell an overwhelming sense of something's wrong with the pregnancy. I was starting vacation in a week though and figured I just needed a rest. We went on our trip but on our plane ride home I felt it again. I told my husband somethings not right. He said don't worry we will be home soon. Within an hour of being home I started to spot and we headed to the hospital. They couldn't find a heartbeat on our baby at 9 weeks and the baby only measured at 6 weeks 3 days. I was in the process of naturally miscarrying. This is what I now know as real heartbbreak.

I had doubted some of the decisions I had made thinking that would have given me a different outcome. I drove myself crazy looking for answers. How could this happen? How could God let this happen to me? I had been a good person and could provide for a little one. There are so many children out there in need but are still being born. Why me?

I went through many stages from anger/disbelief/hurt to acceptance. I accepted the loss and my husband and I started trying again. Trying to concieve is very stressful and disappointing. It took us 6 months to get pregnant again. While this doesn't seem like a long time, it felt like an eternity.

I remember taking 3 tests in one night just to make sure. All positive. We were so excited and hopeful that we would get our little one. It was determined my due date fell on my birthday. What a wonderful present to get especially after our loss. I had strong symptoms from the start and my levels were all so good. I had been cautious at first but after 3 weeks of weekly appts I started to get excited that this was going to be it. I had no reason not to, everything looked good.

We went in for an ultrasound just to make sure all was progressing nicely. We saw our baby I could see everything formed from his head to his toes (looked like paddles sort of) . The tech was quiet which I sensed was alarming. She needed to do an additional scan so she left the room for a minute. I told my husband to look at the screen as I knew she would move it from my view when she returned. As soon as she returned, she moved the screen. I felt numb. My husband tried to comsole me when she left the room and said she would be right back but I knew something was wrong. He left to see what he could find out and he came back in and just hugged me. I cried and cried until she came back in and said my doctor was on the phone to talk to me.
It was fetal demise. The baby was correct size but wasn't showing any signs of life. I had a choice to make.

I couldn't bear to wait to lose my baby as I had already knew I had. Emotionally I was drained and couldn't bear another natural miscarriage so I opted to have an immediate procedure. This is where my healing starts and where answers I search for again. Why? Why did this happen again?

Yesterday I lost my baby and lost myself. I had become a mommy to 2 angels in heaven that day. Today I am hopeful that one day I will be able to hear that one word aloud that I had hoped for for years.