I read this poem on the ttc boards I frequent and just recently found it again online while searching for information.
"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
follow up appt
So I had my follow up today. I waited so long in the waiting room that had 2 pregnant woman in it but felt like a room full of mommies to be. Just how I was feeling today. When I finally got in to see the doctor he did an exam and said everything healed nicely and to wait 2 months before actively trying to concieve (ttc for us webmd ladies) :)
He also wants me to see an RE. He said usually 3+miscarriages are labeled as recurrent but doctors usually don't wait until the 3rd so I got my label today as a recurrent aborter or a habitual aborter. It sounds so cold :( I hate how the medical world uses such insensitive words to describe such a tragedic event. Maybe I should try and get a petiton started and take it to the first lady. Why not change it to spontaneous loss instead of spontaneous abortion? Anyway....
He has me going to an RE (Reproductive Endocronologist) to hopefully get some answers. He does think my autoimmune disease has something to do with it but doesn't know for sure. I am staying hopeful but very scared that it is my IGA Nephropathy and will have to follow another path to achieve my dream of having a LO either by a surrogate or adoption. I guess time will tell.
June 1st can't get here fast enough :)
He also wants me to see an RE. He said usually 3+miscarriages are labeled as recurrent but doctors usually don't wait until the 3rd so I got my label today as a recurrent aborter or a habitual aborter. It sounds so cold :( I hate how the medical world uses such insensitive words to describe such a tragedic event. Maybe I should try and get a petiton started and take it to the first lady. Why not change it to spontaneous loss instead of spontaneous abortion? Anyway....
He has me going to an RE (Reproductive Endocronologist) to hopefully get some answers. He does think my autoimmune disease has something to do with it but doesn't know for sure. I am staying hopeful but very scared that it is my IGA Nephropathy and will have to follow another path to achieve my dream of having a LO either by a surrogate or adoption. I guess time will tell.
June 1st can't get here fast enough :)
Monday, April 27, 2009
We decided............
After a long conversation that we are going to try again :) I know it's going to be a tough long road but hopefully as Michael says "third times a charm". Only time will tell and it will definately be a roller coaster of emotions.
Doctor appt next tuesday and hoping for some real answers. If not, I am changing doctors. If the next time fails our next possible route will be a surrogate. I just may not be able to carry. It will be devasting but creating life just to lose it kills me.
Doctor appt next tuesday and hoping for some real answers. If not, I am changing doctors. If the next time fails our next possible route will be a surrogate. I just may not be able to carry. It will be devasting but creating life just to lose it kills me.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Today......
I have had good days, bad days and unbearable days. Today started off as a good day and turned into one of those unbearable days. I got in such a rut this afternoon and could not get out of it. I have tried to keep myself busy since the loss and this afternoon I had some down time and it was all over.
I pulled out one of my miscarriage books that I had bought after the first one. It was a simple hardback book called "Mommy, please don't cry there are no tears in heaven". In the back of the book there is a place to write your feelings, messages to your little one, hopes, dreams, etc...
I had written lots of messages to my first one and so I wanted to do the same for this one. While I am still grieving it gives me some comfort that I can express my feelings. It helped me last time so I am hoping it will help this time. That is one of the reasons I had decided to start this blog.
It is such an emotional thing to go through. This past week I have just wanted to be close to my husband and while friends/family have all offered their kind words and support I can't bear to talk about it with them right now. I just needed to be alone. Soon I will but right now I just need my husband.
I keep thinking what road I will take if it happens to be I can't carry full term or if my body isn't accepting the fetus due to my immune disorder. I don't want to try again if the outcome will be a loss. Not because of having to go through another loss but because how could I create a child knowing I will cause it to lose it's battle for life. I am dreading my follow up appointment on the 5th of May just because of the unknown.
That day just like every day I will be that strong person and accept what life deals to me. My only hope is that God decides to give me a break.
I pulled out one of my miscarriage books that I had bought after the first one. It was a simple hardback book called "Mommy, please don't cry there are no tears in heaven". In the back of the book there is a place to write your feelings, messages to your little one, hopes, dreams, etc...
I had written lots of messages to my first one and so I wanted to do the same for this one. While I am still grieving it gives me some comfort that I can express my feelings. It helped me last time so I am hoping it will help this time. That is one of the reasons I had decided to start this blog.
It is such an emotional thing to go through. This past week I have just wanted to be close to my husband and while friends/family have all offered their kind words and support I can't bear to talk about it with them right now. I just needed to be alone. Soon I will but right now I just need my husband.
I keep thinking what road I will take if it happens to be I can't carry full term or if my body isn't accepting the fetus due to my immune disorder. I don't want to try again if the outcome will be a loss. Not because of having to go through another loss but because how could I create a child knowing I will cause it to lose it's battle for life. I am dreading my follow up appointment on the 5th of May just because of the unknown.
That day just like every day I will be that strong person and accept what life deals to me. My only hope is that God decides to give me a break.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
From the beginning............................
This is how and why I am where I am in my life today. I hope my journey gives hope to those that need it, empowers women to be strong through struggles, and never lose faith. You have to keep on believing in your dreams and never give up or lose hope.
Remember having dreams marrying your high school sweetheart and having lots of babies in your early twenties? Well that was me. Unfortunately my high school sweetheart turned into my college sweetheart which turned into my fiance' then my ex-finace' and left me heartbroken at 27. I thought that was heartbreaking but what I have encountered recently is true heartbreak.
At that point in my life I had been very career driven so I encompassed myself in my work and exceled over the years. During that time I dated (alot) but would never settle. I had set my expectations so high that I knew I wouldn't find someone that could fill them and I was okay with that. I was okay being alone and I was enjoying life.
In 2002 I bought my first home, by myself. A single 30yr old woman with a new home empowered me even more. I did alot to the house cosmetically, learned alot of home improvements through classes and made my house a "home". I was in a new neighborhood and was meeting new people. I was very busy with my career and time seemed to be passing me by and I didn't even realize it.
At this point, I met my husband. He was a charming man, a funny man whose initial intentions I was uncertain of. We have all met those kind of men at some point...lol Anyway, since I was so uncertain I had kept him at such a distance but he persued me constantly. We remained in contact throughout a years time.
In 2004 I had felt different. I became very tired frequently and had no energy all of which were total opposite of me. I was diagnosed with CKD, IGA Nephropathy. I felt like my world was caving in. Over time and with better understanding I accepted it but realized I need to decide how I was going to achieve all I had planned to. That is where my husband comes in.
I remember he called me in 2004 on his 43rd birthday and I was in disney world for the weekend. It was at that time I realized this is a guy whose has never given up trying to date me, maybe I needed to give him a real chance. So I did. We dated, fell in love, married and our story continues........................
One of my biggest dreams is becoming a mommy. I adore children and love taking my nephews for overnights or weekends. It is something I did for years and continue to do because of the simple fact I love children (I love them too of course). I love having my home filled with children even if it's just for a day or two.
Michael (my husband) and I had been trying to get pregnant since mid 2006. We had no success at first and just when my career may have had a chance for advancement, I became pregnant. Of course I had to choose and it was easy. I wanted to be a mommy so much that it was more important than a possible promotion. I was estatic even though the timing wasn't the best. I had booked a Disney trip (his first) for my husbands 47th birthday and knew now I wouldn't be able to share in the experience as much as I had wanted to, no rides, no overdoing it, etc.
I was so joyous, everyone was so happy that I was expecting. My due date was 3 days prior to Mothe's day. What a great significance to me. I was finally achieving what I wanted most from life being a mommy. One day at work I fell an overwhelming sense of something's wrong with the pregnancy. I was starting vacation in a week though and figured I just needed a rest. We went on our trip but on our plane ride home I felt it again. I told my husband somethings not right. He said don't worry we will be home soon. Within an hour of being home I started to spot and we headed to the hospital. They couldn't find a heartbeat on our baby at 9 weeks and the baby only measured at 6 weeks 3 days. I was in the process of naturally miscarrying. This is what I now know as real heartbbreak.
I had doubted some of the decisions I had made thinking that would have given me a different outcome. I drove myself crazy looking for answers. How could this happen? How could God let this happen to me? I had been a good person and could provide for a little one. There are so many children out there in need but are still being born. Why me?
I went through many stages from anger/disbelief/hurt to acceptance. I accepted the loss and my husband and I started trying again. Trying to concieve is very stressful and disappointing. It took us 6 months to get pregnant again. While this doesn't seem like a long time, it felt like an eternity.
I remember taking 3 tests in one night just to make sure. All positive. We were so excited and hopeful that we would get our little one. It was determined my due date fell on my birthday. What a wonderful present to get especially after our loss. I had strong symptoms from the start and my levels were all so good. I had been cautious at first but after 3 weeks of weekly appts I started to get excited that this was going to be it. I had no reason not to, everything looked good.
We went in for an ultrasound just to make sure all was progressing nicely. We saw our baby I could see everything formed from his head to his toes (looked like paddles sort of) . The tech was quiet which I sensed was alarming. She needed to do an additional scan so she left the room for a minute. I told my husband to look at the screen as I knew she would move it from my view when she returned. As soon as she returned, she moved the screen. I felt numb. My husband tried to comsole me when she left the room and said she would be right back but I knew something was wrong. He left to see what he could find out and he came back in and just hugged me. I cried and cried until she came back in and said my doctor was on the phone to talk to me.
It was fetal demise. The baby was correct size but wasn't showing any signs of life. I had a choice to make.
I couldn't bear to wait to lose my baby as I had already knew I had. Emotionally I was drained and couldn't bear another natural miscarriage so I opted to have an immediate procedure. This is where my healing starts and where answers I search for again. Why? Why did this happen again?
Yesterday I lost my baby and lost myself. I had become a mommy to 2 angels in heaven that day. Today I am hopeful that one day I will be able to hear that one word aloud that I had hoped for for years.
Remember having dreams marrying your high school sweetheart and having lots of babies in your early twenties? Well that was me. Unfortunately my high school sweetheart turned into my college sweetheart which turned into my fiance' then my ex-finace' and left me heartbroken at 27. I thought that was heartbreaking but what I have encountered recently is true heartbreak.
At that point in my life I had been very career driven so I encompassed myself in my work and exceled over the years. During that time I dated (alot) but would never settle. I had set my expectations so high that I knew I wouldn't find someone that could fill them and I was okay with that. I was okay being alone and I was enjoying life.
In 2002 I bought my first home, by myself. A single 30yr old woman with a new home empowered me even more. I did alot to the house cosmetically, learned alot of home improvements through classes and made my house a "home". I was in a new neighborhood and was meeting new people. I was very busy with my career and time seemed to be passing me by and I didn't even realize it.
At this point, I met my husband. He was a charming man, a funny man whose initial intentions I was uncertain of. We have all met those kind of men at some point...lol Anyway, since I was so uncertain I had kept him at such a distance but he persued me constantly. We remained in contact throughout a years time.
In 2004 I had felt different. I became very tired frequently and had no energy all of which were total opposite of me. I was diagnosed with CKD, IGA Nephropathy. I felt like my world was caving in. Over time and with better understanding I accepted it but realized I need to decide how I was going to achieve all I had planned to. That is where my husband comes in.
I remember he called me in 2004 on his 43rd birthday and I was in disney world for the weekend. It was at that time I realized this is a guy whose has never given up trying to date me, maybe I needed to give him a real chance. So I did. We dated, fell in love, married and our story continues........................
One of my biggest dreams is becoming a mommy. I adore children and love taking my nephews for overnights or weekends. It is something I did for years and continue to do because of the simple fact I love children (I love them too of course). I love having my home filled with children even if it's just for a day or two.
Michael (my husband) and I had been trying to get pregnant since mid 2006. We had no success at first and just when my career may have had a chance for advancement, I became pregnant. Of course I had to choose and it was easy. I wanted to be a mommy so much that it was more important than a possible promotion. I was estatic even though the timing wasn't the best. I had booked a Disney trip (his first) for my husbands 47th birthday and knew now I wouldn't be able to share in the experience as much as I had wanted to, no rides, no overdoing it, etc.
I was so joyous, everyone was so happy that I was expecting. My due date was 3 days prior to Mothe's day. What a great significance to me. I was finally achieving what I wanted most from life being a mommy. One day at work I fell an overwhelming sense of something's wrong with the pregnancy. I was starting vacation in a week though and figured I just needed a rest. We went on our trip but on our plane ride home I felt it again. I told my husband somethings not right. He said don't worry we will be home soon. Within an hour of being home I started to spot and we headed to the hospital. They couldn't find a heartbeat on our baby at 9 weeks and the baby only measured at 6 weeks 3 days. I was in the process of naturally miscarrying. This is what I now know as real heartbbreak.
I had doubted some of the decisions I had made thinking that would have given me a different outcome. I drove myself crazy looking for answers. How could this happen? How could God let this happen to me? I had been a good person and could provide for a little one. There are so many children out there in need but are still being born. Why me?
I went through many stages from anger/disbelief/hurt to acceptance. I accepted the loss and my husband and I started trying again. Trying to concieve is very stressful and disappointing. It took us 6 months to get pregnant again. While this doesn't seem like a long time, it felt like an eternity.
I remember taking 3 tests in one night just to make sure. All positive. We were so excited and hopeful that we would get our little one. It was determined my due date fell on my birthday. What a wonderful present to get especially after our loss. I had strong symptoms from the start and my levels were all so good. I had been cautious at first but after 3 weeks of weekly appts I started to get excited that this was going to be it. I had no reason not to, everything looked good.
We went in for an ultrasound just to make sure all was progressing nicely. We saw our baby I could see everything formed from his head to his toes (looked like paddles sort of) . The tech was quiet which I sensed was alarming. She needed to do an additional scan so she left the room for a minute. I told my husband to look at the screen as I knew she would move it from my view when she returned. As soon as she returned, she moved the screen. I felt numb. My husband tried to comsole me when she left the room and said she would be right back but I knew something was wrong. He left to see what he could find out and he came back in and just hugged me. I cried and cried until she came back in and said my doctor was on the phone to talk to me.
It was fetal demise. The baby was correct size but wasn't showing any signs of life. I had a choice to make.
I couldn't bear to wait to lose my baby as I had already knew I had. Emotionally I was drained and couldn't bear another natural miscarriage so I opted to have an immediate procedure. This is where my healing starts and where answers I search for again. Why? Why did this happen again?
Yesterday I lost my baby and lost myself. I had become a mommy to 2 angels in heaven that day. Today I am hopeful that one day I will be able to hear that one word aloud that I had hoped for for years.
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